I've eaten like crap all weekend. Friday night I had pizza and a Pepsi, along with caramel popcorn. I haven't eaten breakfast at all. I had garlic chicken stuff yesterday and today, along with buttered popcorn. I feel like shit.

It's so crazy what an emotional eater I am. I eat to fill the void of lonliness. I know this, and yet I do it anyway. I can be rather disgusted with myself as I'm shoveling away caramel corn, yet I continue to eat it. The only good thing I've done all weekend is drink a lot of water. Oh wait, and last night instead of eating ice cream I had a peach. Why do I sabotage myself? That's what it amounts to. I want to be healthier, I want to lose weight, I want I want I want, but apparently I don't feel like doing the work that goes along with achieving any of this. Then I feel guilty, like I do now, and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I continue to do this to myself. Nobody is forcing me to eat like shit, I do it all on my own.I'm so frustrated with myself.

I'm getting over a cold so I haven't been to the gym since Tuesday, which seems to make it easier to let myself eat horribly. When I work out I tend to eat better. I haven't logged any of the food I've eaten since Friday morning into the gym's website. I don't want my trainer to see it. I don't want to have to explain why I've eaten so much junk, and I know he'd ask. (Who am I kidding, he'll ask anyway) And what would my reasoning be? Oh well, you know, I was feeling lonely and so I stuffed myself with pizza so I could try to feel better. It didn't work.That's what makes this process hard for me to understand. If eating junk actually made me feel good in any way, shape or form, I could almost justify it. I could find a way to make it okay in my warped little brain. But it doesn't. I feel bad when I start poking through the kitchen or pantry, I feel bad while I'm eating whatever I find, and I feel bad when I'm done. So what exactly is the payoff? I have no idea. So why do I do it?!

Being overweight has become a buffer between me and the world. I use it as an excuse to not do things. I sometimes avoid people. I avoid posting pictures of myself so people can see how far I've let myself go. And then on the other side, I get mad at myself for being that way. For not taking advantage of trying new things or meeting new people because I'm embarrassed of my size and how out of shape I am.This has to stop. I have to stop doing this to myself. Is this what Mom and Dad would want for me? More to the point, is this what I want for myself? NO!!!!

So tomorrow I will start again. I will weigh myself when I get up. I will eat breakfast. I will log all of my food. I will work out with my trainer, then get on the treadmill for at least 30 minutes. I will eat something healthy for dinner. I will use this journal to vent if I need to.

I will do better.