Yesterday was not a good day for me. I'm not sure what happened but I ended up in a horrible mood in the afternoon and I was bitchy by the time I got home. I'm glad for my brother's sake he left with a friend because I wouldn't have been fun to be around.

I had basmati rice for dinner and thought about going to the gym. I checked my email and Facebook and thought about going to the gym. I turned on the TV and thought about going to the gym. I made microwave popcorn and thought about going to the gym. I watched 'The Biggest Loser' and thought about going to the gym. Then I realized it was 10:30 and thought about going to bed.

I was feeling so down, and I really had no good reason to be that way. Work was fine, I didn't hear any bad news, it wasn't a bad day. So why was I feeling so miserable? I don't know. I think part of it has to do with the change in weather, more specifically the daylight. Now it's mostly dark when I get up in the mornings so it's really hard to drag myself out of bed. I'm not sleeping very well for some reason. Sometimes I have trouble going to sleep, but the bigger problem is that I don't stay asleep through the night. I wake up constantly and I'm not sure why that is.

My mood still isn't quite back to normal today either but it's considerably better than yesterday. I ate crap food for lunch and it did not set well with me at all, my tummy is rebelling. Note to self ~ no more sesame chicken and fried rice from Carrs.

Not. Pretty.

I'm learning that losing weight is much more mentally challenging than I ever thought it could be. And if I'm honest with myself, I haven't been giving this process 100%. More like...60%? That's probably generous. My heart hasn't truly been in it and I've been doing things I know I shouldn't. Why am I sabotaging myself?! Don't I have a right to live a healthy, active life?? How am I going to reach my goal of 130 pounds if I continue to eat like shit?

It's simple. I won't.

My attitude has to change. I have to make a serious effort to change how I think about food. More importantly, I have to change how I feel about myself. One of the reasons I decided to become healthier was because I saw how hard it was on Mom when she was diagnosed with cancer. I saw how her body failed her, and I thought if she had been in better shape to begin with it might have helped. It wouldn't have changed the outcome, but I thought maybe it would have made things a tiny bit easier, at least in the beginning.

That's not the way to go about this. Because I've all but convinced myself that one day I will be diagnosed with some sort of cancer. I thought that getting into better shape would help me fight the disease and have a better chance than my Mom and Dad did. That I would have a greater chance at beating cancer.

Well that's just absolute bullshit.

If the only reason I have for getting healthy is to fight cancer, I will never get there. Who wants to become healthy to fight a disease that you may or may not end up with?! And what kind of way is that to live?

It's not living, it's waiting to die.

I need to do some serious thinking about my choices. What do I want to gain from going to the gym and making better food choices? What do I have to gain from doing nothing?

What do I want out of my life?