After realizing how far I'd let my weight go, I was lost as to how to change it. I should mention that last spring my stepdad and I signed up for sessions with a personal trainer, but my heart wasn't truly in it. My stepdad lost a lot of weight, I lost a few pounds. I was so sore after our workouts that I was lucky if I could lift my leg to get into the shower the next morning. That's not exactly something that encouraged me to go back for more.

When the sessions ran out it was easy to find excuses not to go to the gym. Too tired, too busy, and the good old standby of 'not tonight, I have a headache'. Motivation was nowhere to be found and again, laziness ensued. I let the gym membership lapse after my stepdad moved out of state.

Then my boss talked me into trying a pilates boot camp. I was extremely hesitant. I'm not flexible. I'm overweight. I know nothing about pilates. But I let her convince me to give it a try, and I loved it. Pilates is the best stress reliever I have ever come across. I felt better, I slept better, and I was so excited that I signed up for a year of unlimited mat classes.

Since that time, about 4 months ago, I've gone to exactly 2 classes. I really can't even give a reason for that, I just haven't gone.

In July I decided that I needed to find a gym to join. One that I liked, that I would actually go to, that didn't scare the hell out of me. I'd been hearing ads on the radio for a gym I'd never been to before, so I Googled them and started reading their website. Of course they never tell you how much a membership is, so I called and scheduled an orientation appointment to find out about them. I met with the manager and she was a little intimidating, not by her attitude but by her sheer enthusiasm for the gym and what they do. She surprised me by asking lots of questions about me ~ what my goals are, why I was there, on and on it went. When I was done telling her my goals, she informed me that her goal was for me to meet my goals. That surprised me too. Since when do these people actually give a damn about their members, aside from making sure they pay the bill on time? After she showed me their different plans, I signed on the dotted line, was introduced to my new trainer, and walked out the door with a smile on my face.

By the time I got home I was in panic mode. What the hell did I get myself into?! I had just signed a one year contract for sessions with a personal trainer twice a week, as well as their food tracking website and the general gym membership. What in the world was I thinking?! I alternated between being really excited about doing something for myself for once and being sure it was all a huge mistake.

The first time I walked through that door for a session with the trainer I was terrified and trying desperately not to show it. I failed. The receptionist (who shocked me by knowing my name), assured me the trainer wouldn't bite and told me to have fun. Right, I thought, that'll happen when pigs fly.

A few minutes later the trainer came to get me and I was scared all over again. He was young, good looking, in great shape, extremely friendly, and he was about to weigh and measure me.

Oh. My. God.

I wanted to melt into a puddle on the floor, I was so embarrassed. It was bad enough that I knew what I weighed, but now this cute guy was going to know too?! Kill me now.

He asked me lots of questions, we did a couple of surveys about medical history, and he asked about my goals, expectations, and what I wanted to change. Um, everything, yep, that'll do it, thanks! He measured my body fat percentage with some little device I held up in my hands. The number made me cringe. Then came the measuring part. I was again embarrassed. That's the closest anyone besides my doctor had been to me in ages. When it was over we talked about a plan of action and made an appointment for my first real session of training. I again questioned my sanity in the matter, and I got on a treadmill for half an hour of cardio before heading home.

I remember feeling rather proud of myself as I drove home. I had survived being measured, the trainer seemed nice, and nobody made fun of me. To be more accurate, the trainer didn't make fun of me. I realized part of the reason I was so scared about it was because of what his reaction would be when he saw the numbers. I know they are bad, otherwise I wouldn't be there. But I've been to gyms where the employees are rather judgemental and rude to overweight people, and that wasn't something I needed.

My first real session with the trainer wasn't what I was expecting. We did resistance training, which I'd never done before, and the session was half an hour long. I was sweating like mad after one set of exercises, so then I was embarrassed yet again for how out of shape I had let myself become. However, I found that I liked it. The exercises we did were easy to follow, he was really patient with me, and when I was done I felt like I'd accomplished something. Even better, I had no trouble getting in the shower the next day! I could feel the workout all right, don't get me wrong, but it was nowhere near the pain I'd experienced before. I began to feel a bit more enthusiastic about the whole thing.

I started keeping track of what I was eating on their food website and was not too happy to discover how awful my eating habits were. It was a real eye opener to see just how bad some of what I was eating was for me. For example, everyone knows McDonald's food is bad for you. But I didn't realize exactly how awful it was. I just never took the time to look at a breakdown of the fat content in their food. Holy crap! How the hell is it possible for them to make potatoes so horrible for you?!

Anyway, onward we go.

I've been going to this gym for 2 months now. My trainer has been a lot of fun, though I feel foolish because I tend to ramble while we're working out. I'm sure he's heard way more about me than he cares to know. I'm learning a lot about nutrition and though I can't believe I'm saying this, I like going to the gym. The workouts I do with the trainer area always different, so I'm never bored with them, and he's had me steadily increasing the incline on the treadmill so that's not boring either.

I'm starting to get a tiny idea of what my body can do if I let it and if I try.