Last night I had a good session with my trainer. We did core and leg exercises, almost all I'd never done before. I love that he always has me doing something new, it keeps things interesting.

It amazes me how sometimes the exercises that have me moving the least have me sweating the most. Usually when it involves my tummy muscles, or lack thereof I should say.

I have to tell you, when I first started this gym stuff in August I did not like to sweat. I felt tired and gross and sure that someone was secretly laughing at how ridiculous I looked with my fire engine red face and soaking wet shirt. I'd have looked better if I'd swam in a mud puddle.

The reason the sweating thing is on my mind is because last night after my training session I had to leave to pick up my brother and take him to work. I wasn't able to get on the treadmill for 30 to 40 minutes like I'd planned, so I didn't get nearly as hot and sweaty as usual.

I felt robbed!

It was like I'd been cheated of something, it just felt....off. And it's not like I didn't work up a sweat with my trainer, I did, but I was shocked at how different my body felt by only doing the training and not getting any cardio. My body wanted that time on the treadmill and was rather irked it didn't happen.

This week has been a little odd. Between not feeling well and having to run people around I haven't been in the gym nearly as much as I'd like. On the good side I've been eating well and drinking lots of water, so that's something.

I have bowling tonight so no gym for me, I'll be back there on Friday.

Friday night was my office's Christmas dinner. It was at an amazing restaurant in downtown Anchorage I'd never been to before. The food was wonderful and the view of the city lights was beautiful.

I ate more at that dinner than I have in one sitting in a very long time. I'm not going to beat myself up over it, this happens once a year, but it made me realize how much I've changed my eating habits and how much better I feel because of it. Saturday I didn't feel great, my stomach did not like me very much and I just felt lethargic. I also found myself wanting to eat junk.

It's weird how when I eat well, I want to keep eating well. When I eat junk, I want more junk food. Funny how that works.

I didn't go to the gym at all over the weekend. I could have made the time but I didn't. I wasn't entirely lazy, I did a lot of housecleaning and I worked up a sweat putting up the Christmas tree, but it's not the same as a good workout at the gym.

I have a training session tonight with Sgt. Fitness, I'm looking forward to it. I want to kick ass in the gym this week.

My workout with Sgt. Fitness was fun last night. We worked mostly on my arms and core, I did a whole set of exercises I've never done before. I loved one machine we used that worked my lats. And we did shoulder exercises, I did shoulder press things while on that wobbly board dealie. Don't you love my techincal terms? I felt great when we were done.

I also ripped one of their mats while doing the last exercise. I'm not entirely sure how it happened. One minute I'm in a sort of plank position doing things with my feet, the next I hear a tearing sound, my arms went shooting forward and I landed on my stomach in a not so lady-like sprawl. When I picked myself up I could see the mat was ripped wide open, but according to Sgt. Fitness it was already torn a little so it wasn't entirely my fault.

After our workout I got on the treadmill, I did a 20 incline for 20 minutes! Then I did a 15 incline for 10 minutes and had to leave so I could take my brother to work. I was quite happy with that, it was tough. I'd liked to have gone longer.

I still can't belive how much I enjoy going to the gym. I never thought I'd say something like that so it shocks me that I mean it. I've been doing this for 4 months now and I still get excited about training sessions. I like learning what my body can do. There are times when I'm doing an exercise and I cannot wait for it to be over (before I fall over), and none of it is what I'd call easy for me. But I find I want to push myself to see just what I can do, instead of avoiding it like the plague.

It's a nice feeling.

The Challenge ~ To complete 1,130 minutes of exercise in the month of November.

Goal ~ 1,130 Minutes

Total Minutes Completed ~ 1,225

Total Minutes Remaining ~ 0 (over by 95 minutes!)

11/1 ~ Off

11/2 ~ Training for 30 minutes, treadmill for 30 minutes = 60 minutes

11/3 ~ Training for 30 minutes, treadmill for 60 minutes = 90 minutes

11/4 ~ Treadmill = 45 minutes

11/5 ~ Bowling = 30 minutes

11/6 ~ Off

11/7 ~ Off

11/8 ~ Off (migraine)

11/9 ~ Training for 30 minutes, treadmill for 60 minutes = 90 minutes

11/10 ~ Treadmill = 55 minutes

11/11 ~ Treadmill = 45 minutes

11/12 ~ Bowling = 30 minutes

11/13 ~ Treadmill = 60 minutes

11/14 ~ Off

11/15 ~ Treadmill = 60 minutes

11/16 ~ Training for 30 minutes, treadmill for 60 minutes = 90 minutes

11/17 ~ Treadmill = 80 minutes

11/18 ~ Training for 30 minutes, treadmill for 40 minutes = 70 minutes

11/19 ~ Bowling = 30 minutes

11/20 ~ Off

11/21 ~ Off

11/22 ~ Off

11/23 ~ Training 30 minutes, treadmill for 60 minutes = 90 minutes

11/24 ~ Treadmill = 80 minutes

11/25 ~ Training 30 minutes, treadmill for 40 minutes = 70 minutes

11/26 ~ Off (Thanksgiving)

11/27 ~ Off

11/28 ~ Treadmill = 80 minutes

11/29 ~ Off

11/30 ~ Training 30 minutes, treadmill 40 minutes = 70 minutes

I worked out with Sgt. Fitness last night after he weighed and measured me. According to his calculations I've lost another 5 pounds, 2.50 inches and almost a whole percentage of body fat since the last measuring.

The funny thing, to me at least, was where I lost the inches ~ my neck, waist, hips and bicep. My bicep alone went down three quarters of an inch! It's interesting to see where I'm losing weight on my body. My clothes don't fit me right at all. My boss made the comment this morning that my pants are really baggy on me now. I'll take that as a compliment, thank you.

I have to admit I would have liked to see more of a drop in my weight, and according to my scale at home I'm about 3.5 pounds lighter than what his tells me. I suppose my clothes and shoes account for a bit of that. In general though I'm really happy with what I've accomplished.

Want to see the stats of the total inches I've lost so far?

Body fat percentage: -2.40%
Neck: -1 inch
Chest: -2.25 inches
Waist: -4 inches
Hips: -3.75 inches
Bicep: -1.5 inches
Thigh: -1 inch
Calf: - 1/2 inch
Weight: -20 pounds (my first weigh in at the gym was 201 pounds)

According to the gym scale I weigh 181 pounds. So from my highest weight of 212 that means I've lost 31 pounds since the end of June. Not too shabby! My home scale said 177.4 pounds this morning. Either way, I'm making a lot of progress and I just feel so much better. I still have 50 pounds to lose but I've made quite a dent.

After the measuring, Sgt. Fitness had me on the mats doing exercises with those giant body balls. I always feel so goofy on them. At one point he had me laying with my thighs on top of the ball and then my hands were on the floor and I was doing push-ups.

Not. Easy.

Well, the first set didn't seem so bad but the second set was tough. I also did this other exercise, where I was on my hands and knees on the mat and then had one arm propped on a body ball and....okay, I cannot come close to describing this right, but I loved it. It was strangely relaxing.

Today my arms, shoulders, upper back muscles and legs are all letting me know they were used and abused. I like it.

When we got done and I was signing in on the computer Sgt. Fitness asked when I would be seeing him again. I told him it would be almost 2 weeks because his schedule for next week is full with the Thanksgiving holiday. Well he was having none of that so he went in and added me to the end of his schedule for Monday and Wednesday. I'll be there later than usual, 7:30 on Monday and 7:00 on Wednesday, but I thought it was really nice of him to offer to stay longer for me. I realize, of course, he gets paid for this, but I appreciate it anyway.

I've been eating pretty well this week (since Monday anyway). Breakfast every morning, I've had spinach salads for lunch every day with different things thrown in them (carrots, cheese, etc.), basmati rice or baby red baked potatoes for dinner with chicken and whatever else I have handy. I've been drinking tons of water, plenty of tea. I need to get more veggies in with dinner. I have to tell you, headache aside, I can't remember the last time I physically felt so darn good.

I worked out with Sgt. Fitness last night and my legs are feeling it today. We did all legs and core stuff. Before we even started he informed me my legs would hate him by the time I was done. Nope, no hating going on, but I'm betting tomorrow I'll be even more sore.

I got on the treadmill after our workout and only stayed at an 18 incline for maybe 10 minutes, then I wimped out and put it down to a 15 incline for 40 minutes. I have now completed 655 minutes of exercise. Tonight I plan to go get on the treadmill for awhile, and then I have another training session tomorrow.

Oh, one thing that was funny last night at the gym. The last exercise he had me do was what's called a Superman. For those who don't know, you just lay down on the floor on your tummy with your arms straight in front of you and your legs straight out behind you. Then, when Sgt. Fitness tells you to, you lift up your arms and legs at the same time and hold it. It sounds simple but crap, it's hard! So I do this 10 times, holding it for 10 seconds each time, and the finally flopped on the mat to rest.

I informed him I felt nothing like Superman.

The weekend is here and for once I'm actually thinking about what I'll be eating for the next 2 days. Usually I don't give it a thought until I'm actually home but that's the problem. I eat like crap on the weekends. I constantly have food in my mouth, whether I'm hungry or not.

Meal planning is something I've been wanting to do for months. I've talked about it, blogged about it, and have yet to make any progress. I'm making it more difficult than it really is, I know that. How hard is it to decide, okay, I'll have turkey tacos on Monday, chicken salad on Tuesday, etc. etc. etc. All I have to do is take maybe 20 minutes out of my day to sit down and make a list. That's it! Yet instead of making this list, I complain about not doing it. Hmmmm.

I'm reminded of my parents bickering over what's for dinner.

Mom: What do you want for dinner tonight?
Dad: Oh, I don't know. What do you think?
Mom: I don't know, that's why I'm asking you.
Dad: Well I'm sure you'll think of something.
Mom: That's no help.
Dad: You could run up to the store and see if something looks good.
Mom: Okay, what kind of something?
Dad: Oh, I don't care.
Mom: So nothing sounds good to you?
*pause*
Dad: Let's go to Pizza Hut

That took care of that.

Okay, to be honest this exact conversation only happened once when I was in junior high, but I remember similar discussions happening more often than not when it came to dinner. When I think about it though, I can see where some of the problem came from, which helps explain to me why I have the same type of dialog in my head. I very rarely crave any certain foods, and my Dad was the same way. We were generally fine with whatever my Mom put on the table. Don't get me wrong, there are days when only a meat lover's pizza will hit the spot, or when a giant steak is calling my name. But those times are few and far between, so when I get home and look in the fridge it will take me half an hour just to decide what to have because nothing jumps out at me. So really, meal planning should be a breeze. I won't have the problem of having planned something for dinner and then coming home and changing my mind, because most of the time it doesn't matter.

And if a pizza happens to be calling my name, well, the turkey tacos will be there for tomorrow.

I was supposed to have a training session last night but Sgt. Fitness called me right after I left work and said he couldn't make it, thanks to the lovely sheets of ice that were coating the roads. It was nasty.

Anyway, I went home and had dinner first, then went to the gym later. I kicked ass on the treadmill last night ~ I did an incline of 17 for 40 minutes. I was debating going for 50 minutes when Kelly came to talk to me, she'd just gotten off work, so I stopped. It was odd though, the first 5 minutes were a little tough, then it wasn't too bad. When I got to around 30-35 minutes I was feeling it quite a bit, but it still wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong, it was far from easy and I was sweating up a storm, but I had more energy at that point than usual.

What was funny to me was walking at an incline of 10 for 5 minutes to cool down. It wasn't that long ago I could barely last 30 minutes at 10. My speed isn't very high. Last night I was at 2.2 or 2.3 the whole time. I'm really not sure how fast I should be going, or what I should aim to get up to. I'll have to ask Sgt. Fitness. When I first started it seems we were more concerned with increasing the incline than the speed.

My scale this morning said 179.6. From my highest weight of 212 that means I've lost 32.4 pounds a little over 3 months. I'll take it.

(Originally written 11-11-09, forgot to post)

November Challenge:

Goal ~ 1,130

Total Minutes Completed ~ 370

Total Minutes Remaining ~ 760

I'm happy with my progress so far. Last night I was on the treadmill and did an incline of 16 for 50 minutes! I started with a goal of 35 minutes, as that would be 5 minutes longer at that huge incline than I'd done before, and once I got there I decided to push myself more and see if I could make 50 minutes. I'm so glad I did. It never ceases to amaze me what my body can do.

I worked out with my trainer Monday night, we did arm stuff and also worked on my sides, and I loved every minute of it. We did one exercise where I was standing holding a handle from a cable machine thing on one hand and I would lean the opposite direction, so it would use my side muscles....I'm not explaining this very well, but anyway Sgt. Fitness did it with me so we looked like mirror images. I like that he does some of these exercises with me. Especially when they're ones that make me feel dorky and uncoordinated. At least I won't be looking dorky alone.

I was telling him that it really makes me happy I'm not at all bored with this stuff yet, I'm still excited about going to the gym and I hope it stays that way. I know he works hard to keep it interesting for me and I appreciate it. I don't think I've been losing much weight this month, I haven't checked. I can't remember when my trainer will do the measuring thing again, I'm thinking next week but I'll have to ask him. My clothes are definitely fitting differently though, they're getting baggy and loose, and I just feel better.

I have tiny leg muscles again! You know those thigh muscles that will show up right above your knee? Mine have reappeared, just a little but enough to notice. My arms also look a bit better. Probably not enough for anyone else to notice but I can see (and feel) the difference. There is a lot more work ahead of me as far as getting into shape and having a healthy body, but I can't believe how much better I feel already.

Should bowling count as exercise? I can't decide. As close as I can figure, I spend about 30 minutes on the lane throwing the ball. The rest of the time is spent socializing, of course. I'm moving around all the time, I rarely sit down the whole 2 to 2 1/2 hours I'm there, but I don't work up a sweat and those 30 minutes aren't all at once. It happens maybe 30 seconds at a time. I'm leaning towards no with this one.

I'm not happy with myself. After bowling last night Nathan wanted to stop at the store so he could get lunch stuff. I wanted to go home and go to bed, but he was persistent so we stopped. I should have just stayed in the car. I walked out with a bag of Ruffles and a small container of French onion dip, and when I got home I proceeded to eat a bunch of it. I say 'a bunch' because I really don't know how much I ate. I'm guessing probably half the bag of Ruffles, not a clue on the dip. Let's just say a lot.

When I went to bed my stomach let me know in no uncertain terms that it was not happy with my choice of a late night snack. It tossed and turned and my reflux was acting up. This morning it still wasn't entirely settled.

So now I'm in a funky mood and, if I'm being honest, a little disgusted with myself. I knew damn well I shouldn't be eating that crap, yet I did it anyway. And for what? To keep myself from being able to go to sleep because of my tummy's roller coaster ride? To wake up with heartburn as well as swollen hands and feet? Not to mention the shitty way I'm feeling? Those weren't my goals but that's what I accomplished. It also scares me that I will undo the hard work I've done so far.

I've been trying to figure out why I've been craving bad food lately. Hamburgers in particular. For the most part I've never been one of those people who craves certain foods. Once in a great while chocolate will sound good (and I am not a chocolate lover), and sometimes a giant steak sounds amazing, but overall I don't have cravings. And when I did, I ate whatever it was I 'needed' at the moment. Now that I'm trying to change my eating habits, I'm trying to figure out where the craving is coming from.

Maybe it's one of those 'you know you shouldn't eat it so now you really want it' things. Maybe my body is lacking something. How do you even figure out which it is?

One big problem I'm still having lately is not getting enough sleep. I'm not going to bed early enough, and when I do get in bed I usually read for awhile. I think 11:30 is the earliest I've gotten to bed and to sleep this week, and it's just not cutting it. I am not a morning person to begin with and lately dragging myself out of bed has become ridiculously difficult. You'd think I've climbed Mt. Everest by the time I stumble into the shower. Saying it's not a pretty sight is an understatement.

Now that I've vented and rambled about all my 'troubles' it's time to come up with some solutions.

~ Count bowling as exercise? No, for now I won't.
~ Dealing with cravings? First of all, do NOT go to the store when I'm hungry/tired/sad/upset. Keep lots of fruit around home so if I really want to eat something at least it will be good for me. Not that I crave the good stuff, but I'm hoping eventually I will.
~ Lack of sleep? Go to bed earlier. Duh. It's not rocket science!

I'll make my goal for next week to be in bed by 9:30 and asleep by 10:00 to 10:30. I also need to work on a meal plan. Keep saying it, never do it. It's mainly dinner I have trouble with, and the weekends. There are so many things I want to improve on. I worry about taking on too much and getting overwhelmed, and then I worry about not doing enough. How do I find that line?

I dropped Nathan off at work tonight and then went to the gym. I have to admit I really didn't feel like going. Instead of sweating like a beast I much preferred the idea of going home, getting into my comfy sweats and catching up on the insane amount of TV shows I recorded and have yet to watch.

But I didn't, I went to the gym and was glad I did. I got the incline up to 16 for 25 minutes! I did a total of 45 minutes and felt pretty good when I was done.

The gym's receptionist was on the treadmill next to me and was at an incline of 21. Wow. She was telling me that's about as high as she can go now, though she used to get up to 28 (!), and she still remembers vividly when a 9 incline was extremely hard for her. She's really encouraging and fun to talk to. Incidentally, her Mom is a member there and over the past 2 years has lost 180 pounds. Can you believe that?! That's a whole person! She's really amazing.

That makes 195 minutes completed, 935 minutes to go for November.

My workout went well. The first thing Sgt. Fitness did was take a good look at my eye to see if there was any lasting damage done, and then he apologized all over again. Since there's only a little lump right on my eyebrow you really can't tell I was whacked in the face with an evil resistance band. No biggie, could have been a lot worse.

Anyway, we worked on my arms and sides. The first thing he had me do, much to my amusement, was use a damn resistance band again. He swore to me it wouldn't break, but said if I'd rather not use it he would understand. Well I'm not about to let a band get the best of me, so I did what he wanted.

Something new I did was stand on a wiggly step thing while I did this arm/side exercise. It forces you to use your core to stabilize yourself so you don't go flying off. My sides are feeling it today. Wow. Didn't know those muscles were there.

I'm finding I love doing these arm exercises! He had me stand on a Bosu while I used one of those cable machine things for my arms, and I actually almost found it easy. That's a first.

Oh, there is one exception ~ I hate push-ups. Probably because I'm so bad at them. The last thing I did were two sets of modified push-ups and holy crap by the time I was done I thought my arms were going to fall off. Thankfully they didn't.

I like that my upper body is slowly getting stronger. It may not be much yet but I can feel the difference.

After our workout I got on the treadmill for an hour. I didn't last as long on the 15 incline as I wanted, only 20 minutes, but that's okay. The rest of the time I varied the speed and incline. I actually wanted to try an incline of 16 and see how long I'd last but there are only 4 treadmills there that go above 15 and they were all being used.

I'm not sure I like working out with Sgt. Fitness 2 days in a row, I like having at least one day in between to rest from it, but this week and next week that's the only way I can do it. I scheduled all my appointments out from now until the end of the year. There's one week I can't get in to see him at all, I might ask him if he'll stay an extra half hour one night that week so I can still get in a workout, but I'll worry about that when the time comes.

You know what's weird? I like being sore. Okay, I don't enjoy pain, but I like that it lets me know I've pushed my body to try new things, or do things I've learned at a higher level, and it helps me feel like I'm making progress. I like it.

That makes 150 minutes down, 980 minutes to go for November.

I warmed up at the gym and then got started with my trainer. We were having a nice workout, I was feeling good. He was trying to get me to admit to him what I've been eating, since he didn't look at my food log before our session, but I wouldn't tell him. The workout was hard enough, I didn't want him making it harder! Besides, I'm working out with him again tomorrow right after work so I'll be paying for it soon enough.

Everything was all fine and dandy until he had me using one of those resistance band things with the handles on the ends. I was standing on it with both feet, had the handles pulled up to my shoulders and then pushed my leg to the side against the band, something I've done before with no problem.

Then the band broke and the end came flying up and whacked me over my left eye.

Ouch.

Thankfully it didn't hit my eye, or that could have been really ugly. Sgt. Fitness all but had a panic attack. 'OMG are you okay?? I can't believe that, I've never seen one break before!' On and on he went without letting me get a word in edgewise. I finally was able to tell him I was fine. Yes, it hurt and stung like hell, but no permanent damage was done. It actually hit me right on my eyebrow so you can't see a mark or anything, but there's a sore lump I can really feel. It took some convincing to assure him I was fine and to get him to finish our workout. He said I'm much more of a trooper than he is.

After we were done I got on the treadmill for half an hour. By that point I was tired and had a headache, so I only stayed at a 15 incline for 20 minutes. I still felt really good though, and went home a mostly happy camper.

It's not often I get maimed at the gym.

Well, before I start November, I'll write about the rest of October.

I ate badly. Oh, so badly. There was pizza. There was lasagna. Worst of all, there was liquid satan (a.k.a. Dr. Pepper).

From Friday night until Sunday night I ate whatever was handy, I didn't eat breakfast all weekend, I didn't drink much water, and I didn't go to the gym. And today I'm feeling it. I have a headache, I feel sluggish, I just feel...blah.

Oy.

Actually I did make it to the gym Friday night but Sgt. Fitness called me a couple of hours before our appointment and said he couldn't be there, so I got on the treadmill for about 50 minutes. I only stayed on a 15 incline for about 25 minutes and varied the incline the rest of the time.

I have to admit, I was really disappointed I didn't get to train. The workouts I do with him are so different from what the treadmill does. I've been doing this long enough now you'd think I could do it on my own but I never do. I could probably figure it out though. Sgt. Fitness rarely has me do the same exercise twice, which is part of what I love about working out with him, but it does make it harder for me to know what to do when he's not there. I just need to make more of an effort to remember some of what we do.

This week my goal is to eat well. That's it. I'm going to eat breakfast every day, drink as much tea and water as I can stand, and stay in my calorie range. I need to figure out what to eat before I work out. I don't think I'm eating enough, or maybe I'm just not eating the right foods, because I run out of energy fast and sometimes get jittery.

I'm also starting the November fitness challenge with Son. Tonight I will complete the first minutes of the 1,130 minute challenge. Bring it on!

I was doing so well with what I was eating yesterday and then I blew it.

When I got home from work I had rice for dinner, that's all that really sounded good, so when we got to bowling I wasn't really tempted by any of the things people brought for the potluck. By the time we left, however, I could tell I hadn't eaten enough and I was starving. Well not really, but you know what I mean.

Nathan and I had to stop at the store on the way home and he picked up two of those cheap Totino's pizzas. So what did I do when we got home? I put one in the oven and then ate the entire thing.

Bad. Aimee.

I didn't even enjoy it. I was too hungry to care what I was eating, I just wanted food and I wanted it NOW. Then I went to bed when I was done with my pizza fest and my stomach was rolling around like the Andrea Gale.

When I woke up I felt really yucky and it took me a bit to remember what I'd done to feel so lethargic. So of course I weighed myself and some not-so-nice words came to mind. I won't repeat them.

Why do I do this to myself?!

Okay, moving on.

Today I've done great so far, granola cereal with almond milk for breakfast, salad for lunch, tea and lots of water. My stomach has calmed down for the most part, though it still doesn't feel quite right. Actually that's something I noticed earlier this week. My stomach feels a lot better now than it has in years. I've had problems with GERD since high school. Until about a month ago I was taking omeprazole every single day when I got up so I could eat without my stomach feeling like it was on fire. Since I made a serious effort to change my eating habits, I haven't had to take anything for my stomach. I can't believe the difference.

One thing I need to work on is getting to bed earlier. By the end of the week all I can think about is finally being able to sleep in on Saturday morning. I know the exercise is helping my sleeping habits a lot. I'm staying asleep once I get there. I don't have as much trouble falling asleep. I'm just not getting to bed early enough.

Someone I generally have great respect for went down a few notches in my book today. It's relavent here because it was a 'fat joke' that changed my opinion. I don't really want to get into it, I only mention it because it seems like the last form of acceptacle discrimination and that just pisses me off.

Something else I learned recently ~ skinny does not equal healthy.

I'm training with Sgt. Fitness tonight. I have no idea what we'll be doing but I'm sure I'll enjoy it. I've been training with him for almost 3 months now and I still get excited about going. I look forward to learning something new about my body, and about myself.

Son came up with the idea of doing 1,130 minutes of exercise for November. 11th month + 30 days in November = 1,130. I like it! It's 200 minutes more than we had for October, so it will challenge us, but not so much more that we'll feel like we can't achieve it. I'm really loving doing a certain number of minutes instead of miles.

On the treadmill I've been concentrating on incline, not speed, so I don't worry about how far I've gone at all. Well, that's not entirely true, I still keep track of my miles. It's just not my main focus.

Last night I was on the treadmill for 69 minutes and walked 3 miles! To start I did an incline of 16 for about 35-40 minutes. It felt a lot harder last night than it did Monday, I'm not sure why. After that I varied the incline from 8 to 12 (I think), and experimented with different speeds. I discovered the faster I go, the less I think. Maybe because I'm concentrating so hard on just staying on the damn treadmill, I'm afraid to waste energy worrying about anything else.

Can you imagine what it would look like if I went flying off that thing?!

I finally have been able to listen to music while I'm on the treadmill. Nathan helped me put more songs on my phone so I had new songs the entire time I was walking. I need to find faster songs though, some just were not cutting it.

My eating habits today have been good. I tried mixing Greek yogurt with my granola cereal this morning. It was....okay. It has a different flavor. I don't mind it, but I'm thinking it would be much better in a smoothie or something. I spent a few minutes looking for recipes last night and didn't find anything. I'll keep looking.

Bowling tonight, that will count as a tiny bit of exercise. We're having a pre-Halloween potluck. I'm going to eat dinner before I go, everyone always brings junk to eat like cake and cookies. Of course I've only recently started to look at it as junk, before that I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Funny how perceptions change.

Funny how I'm changing.

I had a session with Sgt. Fitness tonight, we did more arm stuff. My sides are still store, more my right side than the left thanks to bowling, but the workout felt good. I told him how sore I was before.

His response? 'That's good!'

Hmmm.

Well, okay, he said more than that but his first response is what I remember the most. I was bad
and didn't get on the treadmill when we were done, so now I feel kind of cheated. Why didn't I get my butt on the treadmill? Because Kelly started talking to me and by the time I got away I had to leave to pick up Nathan and take him to work.

Thankfully Sgt. Fitness didn't ask me how I've been eating lately, or he'd have made me do more of those...whatever he calls them, shoulder press dealies, they were hard. Today, for example, I ate a good breakfast of granola cereal stuff. And for lunch I had a hamburger with ketchup and mayo along with a small order of french fries. And let's not forget the fry sauce, had to have that. I was just craving a hamburger.

Now one meal isn't going to derail everything I've accomplished so far, but over the weekend I ate like crap too and I had Tuna Helper for dinner last night. Ugh. It's caught up with me though. I can tell I had too much sodium because my hands are swollen. I just have this overall feeling of ickiness.

What amazes me is how differently my body reacts to food that's bad for me now compared to how it would have just a few months ago. In July, before I started going to the gym and tracking my food, I would never have noticed this lethargic feeling. I felt that way all the time, I just didn't realize it. How scary is that?!

Now that I can feel the difference, I do not want to go back to feeling like shit all the time again. So I am really going to step up the effort on my eating habits. I will still allow myself a meal to eat whatever I want, but only for dinner. I think by telling myself I can have an entire day, it's too easy for me to justify crap meals other days of the week. That defeats the purpose.

For some reason lately I'm craving red meat. I wonder if I'm getting anemic again, that's been the case before. Instead of going to the doctor and getting a blood test, I intend to figure out what foods have iron in them (besides beef), and load up and see if that helps. Maybe the trial and error method isn't the greatest way to go about things, I really don't know. I should have asked Sgt. Fitness tonight but I didn't think about it. I could email him but I hate to be a pest, especially since there are other questions I meant to ask him and spaced it.

I'd like to find a good multi-vitamin too, that would help if I'm lacking iron. But it's so frustrating! Vitamins apparently aren't regulated well, so you could buy a bottle of vitamins that do you no good whatsoever. Some have just one pill, others have packs of half a dozen. How do you know which ones do you the most good and which are a waste of money? I've seen the prices on some of them, they aren't exactly cheap.

I also want to talk to my doctor about getting off the fluoxetine completely. I know you can't go cold turkey, you need to have the dosage lowered first. I did that once but I need to check on whether or not it would have to be done again before I can stop it completely. I've been avoiding it though, I know I'll have to go in and talk to him. Sometimes you can get away with a phone call but I don't think that will cut it this time. Grrrr.

My clothes are not fitting me well. My pants are looser but still stay up, however my shirts are really starting to look awful. I should go buy at least one or two new ones that fit decently but I hate to spend the money on clothes right now, especially when I still have so far to go.

I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. I wonder how much that affects my cravings. In fact I should really be in bed now but I wanted to get some of this out of my head and into this journal. I go on so much in my everyday LJ about all this I almost hate to subject anyone to yet more of it. But this is different because I don't worry about what anyone else might think. I shouldn't anyway and yet I do. Right or wrong it's human nature I suppose. My nature, at least.

Alright, off to bed with me.

I met Kelly at the gym this morning for an hour long Zumba class, which finished out my goal of exercising for 930 minutes this month!

Woohoo!!!!

It feels damn good to reach a goal I set for myself (thank you again Son for the idea).

My arms and chest are sore today. Wow. I feel the muscles every time I move an inch. I suppose I should ask Sgt. Fitness how sore is too sore. I don't think I'm there, I can function just fine, but I want to make sure. He wouldn't let me injure myself while I'm working out with him, but I wonder if there are things I can do after our workouts that would help keep the soreness down to a minimum.

I expect to be sore. I haven't used these muscles in.....oh who knows, forever perhaps? So I know that waking them up again and getting them moving isn't an easy task. While I don't enjoy pain, I do enjoy knowing that I'm doing something to better myself. I like learning about my body. I'm surprised sometimes at what I can do.

I think we sell ourselves short.

Becoming healthy and getting in shape takes work. Hard work, lots of effort. And in our day to day lives it's so easy to overlook what we could be doing for ourselves. We get so busy working, answering phone calls, taking care of our families, etc. etc. etc. That's not a bad thing, obviously, it's part of life.

What I'm learning is that by making the time to take care of myself, I do a better job of taking care of the rest. I feel better about myself and have more energy.

Why didn't I get off my ass and do this a long time ago?!

October Challenge

Challenge ~ To complete 930 minutes of exercise in the month of October.

Goal ~ 930
Total Minutes Completed ~ 960
Total Minutes Remaining ~ 0

10/1 - Bowling = 30 minutes
10/2 - Treadmill, 10 incline for 30 minutes, 1.70 miles / 30 minutes resistance training with Sgt. Fitness = 60 minutes
10/3 - Off
10/4 - Treadmill 10 incline for 10 minutes, 12 incline for 30 minutes, 1.90 miles = 40 minutes
10/5 - Treadmill 10 incline for 10 minutes, 13 incline for 20 minutes, 8-4 incline for 10 minutes = 40 minutes
10/6 - Treadmill 4 incline for 15 minutes, resistance training 30 minutes, treadmill 13-10 incline 15 minutes = 60 minutes
10/7 - Off
10/8 - Bowling = 30 minutes
10/9 - Treadmill 13 incline for 40 minutes, 10 incline for 5 minutes = 45 minutes
10/10 - Off
10/11 - Off
10/12 - Treadmill 4 incline for 10 minutes, training with Sgt. Fitness 30 minutes, treadmill 12 incline for 20 minutes = 60 minutes
10/13 - Treadmill 12 incline for 15 minutes, 14 incline for 15 minutes, 18 incline for 5 minutes, free weights and running 20 minutes = 35 minutes
10/14 - Treadmill 15 incline for 30 minutes = 30 minutes 10/15 - Bowling = 30 minutes
10/16 - Treadmill warm up 10 minutes, training 30 minutes, treadmill 14 incline for 10 minutes, 10 incline for 25 minutes = 75 minutes
10/17 - Zumba class = 60 minutes
10/18 - Off
10/19 - Treadmill 15 incline for 40 minutes, 10 incline for 10 minutes = 50 minutes
10/20 - Treadmill warm up 10 minutes, training 30 minutes, treadmill 16 incline for 15 minutes, 10 incline for 15 minutes = 70 minutes
10/21 - Treadmill 15 incline for 40 minutes, warm up/cool down 5 minutes = 45 minutes
10/22 - Training 30 minutes, treadmill 15 incline for 15 minutes, 10 incline for 15 minutes, bowling 30 minutes = 90 minutes
10/24 - Zumba class = 60 minutes

I finished with a week to spare!!!!

I am feeling muscles in my arms, chest and shoulders I never knew existed until today. I seem to say that a lot about my muscles, not knowing they existed. I'm so glad that is changing.

But back to my arms.

I worked out with Sgt. Fitness for 30 minutes. I used 15 pound weights for shoulder press things, it was not an easy task. Well, at first it didn't seem too bad, but when I got to about 15 of the 20 reps Sgt. Fitness had me do I wasn't thinking it was so easy anymore. And then I had to do it all over again. All but one of the exercises were new to me so it kept my attention.

I have to admit I sometimes get distracted by people working out around me. No matter how often I tell myself not to, I inevitably compare myself to others. I see women who have amazing arms or run on a treadmill for an hour and wonder how long it will be before I get results like that.

Wait, I take it back about the running. I hate to run. But you get the idea.

What's interesting to me is that before I started all this gym stuff I would have looked at these women and wished for their bodies and been jealous. Now I look at them more as an inspiration to get my body in the best shape it can be. In the short time I've been going to this new gym I've started to discover what my body can do. I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone and it's not nearly as scary as I thought it would be. Instead of being all gung-ho for a few weeks and then stopping or getting bored, I'm even more excited about it now than I was when I started.

I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the progress I've made. I'm seeing results, my measurements are going down and so is the number on the scale. My clothes aren't fitting me very well. Best of all I just feel better in general. And what makes me excited to keep going is knowing I've just started. I can't wait to see how I feel after another few months.

My eating habits have improved greatly but still need a lot of work. I need to figure out what to eat before I work out, because I seem to run out of energy pretty fast and sometimes get jittery or shaky feeling. I'm also not very good at balancing the calories out, I'll eat hardly any calories for breakfast and lunch and then be starving by the time I get off work and want to eat everything in sight when I get home. I need to work on a meal plan of sorts and make a shopping list.

I'm feeling pretty damn good about things.

Sgt. Fitness asked me to work out with him today instead of tomorrow, so I got off work at 4 and made it for our session at 4:30. We worked my arms today, whoa am I feeling it!

And in a few minutes Nathan and I are leaving for bowling.

This should be interesting.

I went to the gym last night right after work for my training session with Sgt. Fitness. We did mostly resistance training, not a lot with weights, and I was sweating up a storm in no time. That kind of embarrasses me. I realize that's the point, but still, I know of no woman who likes to sweat like a pig.

We did mostly new exercises again, which was great. I love that we are always doing different things. How does he come up with all this stuff?! There was only one exercise I did that I've done before, and I was happily surprised to find it was a tiny bit easier this time around.

I suppose it also helped that we were having a discussion about whether or not we believe in Bigfoot at the time. (For the record he said nope, I said yep).

Sometimes I find it easier to do the exercises if I'm not thinking about them. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. When I hear Sgt. Fitness counting how many reps I have left it feels harder than when I don't know. I suppose I should think about what I'm doing to make sure I'm doing it right, I probably rely too much on him for that. But he's the expert, not me.

Sgt. Fitness had me hold a position, almost like a push up position but my legs were propped on a bench. Anyway, I couldn't believe how much I was sweating when I was just holding myself there! I said something to him about it and he was talking about which muscles I was using to hold myself up. I like that he tells me this stuff, I like knowing what parts of my body I'm working.

After I got done with that he had me stretching my legs and I told him how I did on the treadmill the night before. Sgt. Fitness said he was really proud of me and how well I'm doing. It means a lot that he's so encouraging. I made the remark that I'll get there (meaning to my goal), and he said I know you will. After our session he told me he has faith in me that I will do well. Hearing that almost made me stop in my tracks and blush. It's ridiculous how warm and fuzzy it made me feel. It means a lot to me to have someone who believes I can do this and is helping me get there. I realize I'm paying him to do this, of course, but it still helps me to hear it.

When we got done I walked on the treadmill, I did an incline of 16 for 15 minutes! I always have a harder time with the inclines after training, since I'm already tired, but I was happy to last that long. I'm still not going very fast, last night it was 2.3, but I'm okay with that for now.

When I got home I started watching 'The Biggest Loser' but had to turn it off. I got upset when they showed the contestants being sent home for a week. They were all greeted by their families. It just made me miss Mom and Dad so much, and knowing they aren't here to see my progress and how well I'm doing is hard.

I went to bed way too late but I slept really well, I only woke up once. I'm really tired today and my stomach isn't happy about something, at the moment I'm not sure I'll make it to the gym tonight. But I really want to, so I'm hoping after I go home and eat dinner I'll be feeling better.

I had a good workout last night. I managed to stay at a 15 incline for 40 minutes! Well, actually, I did 30 minutes, then dropped to a 10 incline for 5 minutes, and went back up to 15. I was really happy. I walked exactly 2 miles. I'm not going for a land speed record, that's for sure, but I would like to work up to a faster pace. The first 20 minutes went pretty well before I started to get tired, and the rest went good.

I've noticed a big difference in how long it takes me to start feeling tired. I've also seen a change in how I feel when I'm done. When I first started all this working out stuff I felt awful after I was done working out. I was exhausted and cranky, I felt like crap to be honest. I could not figure out what was wrong with me. I'd always heard about the whole 'endorphin' rush and it was evidently rushing right past me because I wasn't feeling it.

Now I find that when I get done with a workout I'm tired and sweaty but I feel good. Really good. My head is clear, my blood is pumping, my body feels loose. And the mood lasts awhile. I'm starting to see why people make the effort to get up early and work out in the mornings before doing anything else.

I, however, will not be attempting that one just yet (if ever).

I got some new workout clothes. I did it on a whim, thinking it was about time I stopped wearing gigantic baggy T-shirts, but now that I've been wearing them I find they make me feel better too. Weird, I wasn't expecting that of clothes. I'll admit to being a little uncomfortable in the shirts, they are very form fitting. You wouldn't think that would bother a person, but then my Mom always told me I never liked shirts that actually fit me.

I worry about how I look in the new gym shirts, of course. It really shouldn't matter, it's the gym not a date, and yet I don't want to look like a fat girl in skinny girl clothes (which sounds awful, I know). I would love to just feel comfortable in my own clothes for a change.

In my own skin, for that matter.

But I am happy to say that I feel better about myself today than I did 2 1/2 months ago when I started this gym stuff. I am starting to see the progress I've been making. My body feels different. Stronger. My moods have gotten better, as have the migraines. My energy level is higher, though if I'd get to bed earlier I'm sure it would be even better. I feel more alive and more like myself than I have in a really long time.

My body is feeling the workouts I did Friday and Saturday. I actually hate to take a day off but I think my body needs to recover a little.

Friday night I worked out with Sgt. Fitness. My legs were still sore from our workout Monday but they were much better than they had been. Of course it didn't take any time at all for them to remind me of muscles I apparently quit using. Sgt. Fitness asked me if I was too sore to move, etc. and I told him no. Actually as sore as I was it wasn't anywhere near what I felt working out with the trainer at the YMCA, so I really didn't mind too much.

Telling him that was a mistake, he had me do some arm exercises that I'm feeling right now. Again, not so bad I'm whimpering every time I move, but enough to let me know they were worked hard.

The last exercise we did was almost like a pilates hip roll. To be honest I felt extremely dorky doing it. Sgt. Fitness was laying on the mat and did the exercise with me so I didn't feel quite as foolish as I would have if he'd been standing there watching me. When we got done he asked me how I felt and I said damn good.

I even meant it.

I felt worn out and energized at the same time, I felt amazing. After that I got on the treadmill for half an hour. I didn't get to as high of an incline as I did a few days before, but after the workout my trainer had me do (and because I didn't have time to eat before I went), I wasn't quite up for it. But that's okay, I still kicked some ass.

Yesterday I met Kelly at the gym for a Zumba class. I had a free pass so I could try it. It was so much fun! It's an aerobics class based on Latin dancing. I felt a little foolish, not knowing any of the moves or anything, but I had a great time. They're going to do another boot camp next month so I might sign up for that. Besides Kelly and I there were 5 other women, everyone seemed to love it. I was sweating pretty good when we got done. I'm finding it feels good just to move, which sounds silly but it's the truth.

After Kelly and I were done at the gym I came home and decided to clean the apartment. So I put in a Shakira CD, scrubbed the kitchen and vacuumed, did laundry, etc. I worked up a sweat doing it but instead of feeling worn out by it I felt good.

As if that wasn't enough, I put together a bookshelf and that was a lot of work, I ended up sweating yet again. My eating habits haven't been as good as they could be, but they haven't been terrible. I had sesame chicken for dinner Friday (really late Friday night), but I'm finding it doesn't agree with me very well lately. Yesterday I had breakfast before I went to the gym but never ate lunch and didn't have dinner until 7:30, so that wasn't good. Today I'm going to do better.

According to my scale this morning I weigh 181.8 pounds. Nice!

I made it to the gym around 8:30 tonight, after dropping Nathan (my brother) off at work. Kelly was just finishing cleaning up so I convinced her to stay and work out with me. I did an incline of 15 for 30 minutes. Not too bad!

It felt pretty darn good, although my legs are still sore. I'm going to be feeling them in the morning. Again. It's nowhere near as bad as when I worked out at the YMCA though. At least I can get out of bed without whimpering.

Kelly wants me to work out with her a few times next week. I'm hoping to help her be in a better mood about it. I am finding my groove with all this and I am not about to let anything change that. I know how hard it is to start exercising. It hasn't exactly been all that long ago I had the same problem, as my 186 pounds can attest to. But I did it, and I kept going, and I'm having fun and I like going to the gym now. It would be nice if I could convince Nathan to go with me but he won't. I worry about his health but that's up to him.

Off to bed with me.

I had breakfast at around 9:00 this morning. It was hard to make myself eat at first, I just don't like eating so early, but once I got started I was fine. So I had breakfast, a snack, lunch, a snack, and in an hour I'll go home and have dinner. I don't know what I'm having yet, probably chicken and rice.

I worry about becoming too focused on my health kick. Am I obssessing too much? How much is too much? I suppose it doesn't help that I have nothing else to do. I work and I go to the gym. That's it. Oh, and I bowl once a week. So I find myself constantly thinking and talking about the gym and what exercises I've learned and what incline I'm up to, etc. etc. etc. I probably bore people.

But dammit, I'm excited about all this! It's the first thing since Mom and Dad died that has given me a sense of purpose and made me feel really good about things. It is also the first thing I've done to take care of myself in years. I can concentrate on me, what I want and how I feel. It is long overdue.

And yet I still feel a twinge of selfishness for saying that...

Making this effort to become healthy has given me a certain amount of control back to my life. I can't control sickness and death, but I can control what I eat. What's really neat is that I feel more like me. It's different, don't get me wrong, but I catch myself doing things I used to. Singing in the car, for example, and doing little dances in the kitchen or grocery store. Silly, yes, and it's exactly what I've missed about myself and couldn't seem to find.

Now I check weight loss blogs every day. I read health related articles. I subscribed to a couple of health magazines. I have a stack of books waiting to be read on health and food. I talk about this stuff all the time. And I want to talk about it even more, I just don't know who cares enough to talk about it with me. I know there are all kinds of communities online but it's not the same has talking to someone face to face.

Maybe I'm just all into this because it's still so new to me. I'm learning something every day. And I've only been at this for 2 1/2 months. I have so much more to learn about fitness, and about myself.

I ate pretty well today, I need to log my food into the gym's site before I head for bed though to make sure. One thing I've noticed is that while I'm eating breakfast every day now, I'm not eating it until around 10:30 a.m. I should be eating it earlier, so by 10:30 I'd be having a snack of some sort. It's just hard to wake up and eat right away, I've always felt like I need to be up for awhile first. Anyway, I'll experiment a little and see if I can change that.

I made it to the gym around 8:00 and ended up talking to Kelly for half an hour before I convinced her to get on a treadmill with me. She wants to lose weight but doesn't have a lot of motivation right now. It would be nice if we could work out together but I'm not sure yet if it will happen or not. I know exactly how she feels, I was there a few months ago, but I've gotten to the point where I enjoy exercise. I'm finally starting to feel the whole endorphin rush thing, which until recently I thought was utter bullshit. While I can't say I'm ready to skip and sing songs when I'm done with my workouts, I just feel good.

Tonight I walked 1.20 miles. I did an incline of 12 for 15 minutes, incline of 14 for 15 minutes, incline of 18 for 5 minutes (holy crap that was tough!), and then Kelly and I did some free weight exercies and ran back and forth a few times in the room they do classes in.

Yep, I ran.

Not entirely willingly, but I did it. Let's hope it doesn't happen again anytime soon.

I've been finding some really great blogs about health and fitness. One is a guy who has lost 150 pounds (roughly), another is a woman a few years younger than me who has lost almost 100 pounds. It's so inspiring to read about their lives and how they changed them for the better. They also have links to useful websites so I've been reading up a storm. I should link them here, or at least bookmark them so I can find them again when the mood strikes.

I started my day with MarketSpice Cinnamon-Orange Tea, which is amazingly good. I wasn't sure I'd ever find a tea I liked to drink as much as I like my Irish Creme lattes but this stuff is damn good. I had 3 cups of it this morning and spent the rest of the day peeing every half an hour. I missed the memo stating tea is such a dieuretic. I don't think that's a bad thing, it just took me by surprise.

After work I headed to the gym for my session with Sgt. Fitness. He noticed I was wearing my new workout clothes, and Kelly told me I look really good in them. Honestly I felt a little weird, mostly because the shirt is made of pretty clingy material and I was a little self conscious about it. Apparently I'm not used to wearing clothes that fit and aren't baggy enough to hide things. However I felt better while I was working out in them. I didn't get quite as hot. Oh I was sweating up a storm, but I wasn't as hot. Not sure that makes sense, but there you have it.

Tonight Sgt. Fitness had me doing mostly arm stuff. Well, I did lunges and things at the same time with most of it too. I think tonight I actually did an exercise for the second time. It's the first time that's happened! Not bad for being there 2 1/2 months. Sgt. Fitness told me tonight he's studying to get some higher certification in training. I'm sure he'll do find and pass the test, he's a smart guy. I have to admit I've given some thought to looking into nutrition or training. I don't feel like I know enough about any of it but I guess that's the point of school. I think I'll stick with what I'm doing for now before I jump into it as a career.

It's crazy how much I look forward to going to the gym now. I suppose it's all still new enough for it to be exciting, and at some point that probably won't be the case, but I love the feeling. I can feel some of the changes in my body. Sgt. Fitness made the remark that I'm stronger now than I was when we started. Of course, being the dork that I am, I look at my right arm looking for signs of a muscle. He was amused.

When I got home I made some rice and had a chicken patty with it, then a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich for dessert. I've drank a ton of water today, in addition to the tea. I went just over my 1,100 calorie allowance, I ended up with 1,135.

All in all I feel good about the day.

Friday night Sgt. Fitness weighed and measured me. According to their scale I weigh 186 pounds now. So from my highest weight of 212 that means I have lost 26 pounds! The first time Sgt. Fitness measured me was August 3. Since then here is what I've lost:

Weight ~ 22 pounds (I weighed 202 on their scale the first time I went there)

Body Fat ~ 1.60%

Neck ~ 0.75 inches

Chest ~ 2.25 inches

Waist ~ 3.75 inches

Hips ~ 3 inches
Bicep ~ 0.75 inches

Thigh ~ 1 inch

Calf ~ 0.50 inch

It's so strange to look at those numbers and realize I'm shrinking my body. I know that sounds odd, after all that's the point of all this. I think what I'm really trying to say is that for the first time I'm making a serious effort and it's working.

When I tried to lose weight before I wasn't putting a huge amount of effort into it. When my stepdad and I first joined the YMCA, Mom was sick at home so I felt guilty for being there. When we worked out with their trainer I liked what we were doing, but I was also frustrated that my stepdad was losing huge amounts and I was gaining and losing a few pounds here and there. It was wrong to even compare myself to him, but I did. And our eating habits were atrocious. We ate pizza and Chinese food pretty much every week, or leftover pizza, it was awful.

But now I'm making an honest effort and I'm putting myself first and I have no reason to feel guilty about it. From the results I would say it's working much better this time around. Food is still an issue for me though. I did not eat well this weekend. And I'm paying the price for it, my stomach did not like all the crap I ate. My GERD is acting up, though it's a little better this afternoon and I think by tomorrow will be fine.

I found a tea that I'm shocked to say I absolutely love. It's Cinnamon-Orange MarketSpice Tea. Kelly and I went to a little cafe in the mall yesterday, A Perfect Cup, and the waitress recommended it to me and wow it is good! I was even more excited to discover they sell it so I bought a box of 24 tea bags and had 3 cups of it this morning. I love it and I know tea is good for you, much better than coffee or lattes, but I don't want to overdo it.

I was thinking today how I miss baking. It's not the product I miss as much as the act itself. As much as I love apple pie and snickerdoodles, I love putting them together even more and I've been avoiding it since I've been trying to eat better so I don't have cookies around. I like to cook but it's not quite the same.

Tonight I have a session with Sgt. Fitness right after work. I'm excited, and it never fails to shock me that I mean that. I'd really like to start working out with him 3 times a week but I'm not sure how it would work with his schedule. He shortened his hours in the evenings and he's not going to be working Friday afternoons starting next month. I'm glad he's doing it for his sake, he works so much, but it makes it harder for me to schedule sessions. I'm sure if I asked him he would stay later once in awhile but I don't really want to ask him to do that. My only other option would be to try to go at like 6:30 in the morning some days and I'm not sure how that would work.

Not. A. Morning. Person.

In order for that to work I would have to get up at...5:30 or 5:45 so I could eat something and leave the house by 6:10, giving me 10 minutes to get there and then 10 to warm up. I'd be done at 7:00 so I'd have to hurry home to shower and change for work....well, it's possible. Not probable, but possible. I think the problem I would have is only doing that once a week, my sleeping schedule would be thrown way off...I don't know, I'll think about it. I suppose if it's a choice between getting up before the crack of dawn and not working out, I would go with dragging my butt out of bed.

I worry at times I'm becoming a little too obsessed with all this health stuff. I think about it all the time. But then other than work, what do I have to do? Hmmmm. Oh, and bowling. It makes sense but I don't want to drive people crazy with it either. I'm just really excited to be doing something for me. Will my enthusiasm last? I sincerely hope so. I haven't felt this good about myself since....damn, I can't remember when. And it's just the beginning.

Staring weight 212, goal weight 130 ~ 26 pounds down, 56 pounds left to go.

I had a tough workout with Sgt. Fitness tonight, I was wore out when we were done. I liked it though, we did yet more things I haven't done before. lol I don't know how Sgt. Fitness comes up with them all. I asked him tonight if he ever gets bored with all the exercise stuff and he said no. His passion for all this really helps make me want to do better for myself, which is something I didn't expect when I started the training. I am envious that he seems to be so sure of his career path, that this is what he wants to do.

I've noticed I have some trouble with my wrists. I'm not sure if it's early signs of carpal tunnel or if they are just really weak. Either way it's annoying.I warmed up with 15 minutes at a 4 incline, then did 30 minutes of training with Sgt. Fitness, then 15 more minutes on the treadmill at 13 and then 10. I wanted to stay on longer but I didn't eat dinner before I went so I didn't have much energy.

It hasn't been until I started working out that I realized how much food affects your energy levels. I know, it should be obvious. Maybe it's more accurate to say I've just never given this stuff any thought before so I feel like I'm learning something new about my body all the time.

Lately I haven't been sleeping all that well. I got more sleep last night, and I'm hoping my workout tonight will help when I go to bed soon. Should I stop reading when I climb into bed? Is that the problem? Is it stress? I haven't pinpointed it.

Sgt. Fitness is going to weigh and measure me on Friday. Ugh. On one hand I'm excited to see if I made any progress, and on the other I know that my eating habits still have a lot of room for improvement so I worry that I haven't lost much. I'm in this for the long haul though so if it takes more time for the weight to come off, I'm okay with it as long as I keep it off. According to my scale yesterday I weigh 185 pounds. The gym scale had me at 193 last month so we'll see what happens.

My day started out well. I had granola cereal for breakfast, well I won't list it all here, but I felt good most of the day. I had a lot of energy. I didn't drink nearly as much water as I should have. I tried some new tea this morning, Stash Spice Chai, which I liked but I wasn't drinking it fast enough and it would get cold. Anyway, tomorrow I'll drink a lot more water.

By the afternoon though I didn't have much energy, and by the time I was driving home I really wanted to head to the Chinese takeout place for sesame chicken and fried rice. I'm not sure what happened. Maybe it's because I hate lunch about an hour and a half later than usual? Lack of water? I don't know, but it was hard to just drive home and eat turkey tacos instead. I made it to the gym, I updated my stats on the October Challenge post. I didn't last as long at the 13 incline as I wanted. So I lowered the incline and increased the speed. I've only been going 2.4 to 2.6 for speed, usually 2.4 or 2.5 so I'd like to get that up a little higher. I sometimes am not sure how far to push things. I want to challenge myself but I don't want to overdo it, and I'm not really sure where the line is. It's not like I'm training for a marathon, I don't think I'll hurt myself or anything, I just want to be sure that I'm healthy enough to come back the next day without whimpering.

I'm not sleeping very well lately, not sure why that is. I haven't been drinking much for caffreine, all the tea I've been drinking is caffeine free. I'm in bed around...10:00 to 10:30, I read for a bit and then I have trouble getting to sleep. More annoying I don't seem to stay asleep. I'm hoping keeping up with my workouts will help.

One of my very best friends came up with an idea I thought was fantastic so I borrowed it from her. The challenge is to do 930 minutes of exercise in the month of October (30 minutes per day x 31 days in October = 930 total minutes). I love it, makes much more sense than going to the gym every single day. Let's face it, that's not entirely feasible. Anyway, I'm really excited about the challenge, I think we will both kick some ass.

I had a session with Sgt. Fitness on Friday, it was tough but good. Speaking of Sgt. Fitness, he sent me an email Friday morning that had me a little confused. It said:

Hey! Well i just thought i wold drop in and say good job yesterday. Very proud of you.

I'll admit, I got all warm and fuzzy when I read it. Until I realized I hadn't seen him since Monday and I had no idea what I did that he was proud of. Hmmm. I figured it must have been my efforts at eating better, and I was right. When we started working out he asked if I got the email and said he realized after he sent it he should have said something about food, but anyway it really was a nice start to my Friday to see it. So the workout was good, I was sweating like mad in no time at all. After my workout with Sgt. Fitness I got on the treadmill and did 30 minutes a 10 incline, 1.70 miles. I got in 60 minutes to start the month, not bad!

I've decided I'm going to make Saturdays a free day when it comes to eating. I can eat whatever I want on Saturdays. I will still track everything, and I'm not going to make it a free for all, but that way if I've been craving pizza or steak or whatever all week, I will have a day to look forward to eating it. What's funny is that yesterday I really didn't feel like eating crap so I ate pretty well anyway. I did spend some time at Costco and the grocery store, I stocked up on all kinds of things that are good for me.

Spinach
Organic quinoa
Organic raisins
Oatmeal
Granola
Almond milk (never had it before but it's good)

That's in addition to what I got earlier in the week. And I finally bought a rice cooker! I used it tonight, I love it. Very handy. You can even program it to start at a certain time, that's a spiffy feature. I also bought a ton of books Wednesday night relating to health and food.

The World's Healthiest Foods
Skinny Bitch
Skinny Bitch in the Kitch
Ruby's Diary
Master Your Metabolism
Winning by Losing
Hungry Girl....
Hungry Girl 200 Recipes under 200 Calories

I spent more money than I probably should have, but my PFD will be deposited Thursday so I'll be fine. I want to learn more about all this. Sgt. Fitness said he'd find more books to recommend too.

I went to the gym again today. I did a 10 incline for 10 minutes at 2.4 and a 12 incline for 30 minutes at 2.6. I've been concentrating on trying to up the incline, but now I also want to work on the speed. I'm still not quite at 100% after having that cold last week, but the workout felt good.

I had my brother take a couple of progress pictures for me after bowling on Thursday, which he whined about. Sometimes he irks me with his attitude about my wanting to be healthier. One day he's great, he'll make chicken for dinner or get after me if I mention wanting to buy Dr. Pepper, and others he's trying to feed me frozen pizza and grumbling because of the healthy food I'm buying. I don't expect him to change his ways but I wish he'd leave me alone so I can change mine.

Plan for the week:

Sunday ~ Cardio (done, obviously)
Monday ~ Cardio
Tuesday ~ Session with Sgt. Fitness
Wednesday ~ Cardio
Thursday ~ Bowling
Friday ~ Sgt. Fitness
Saturday ~ Off

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I'm not sure what happened but I ended up in a horrible mood in the afternoon and I was bitchy by the time I got home. I'm glad for my brother's sake he left with a friend because I wouldn't have been fun to be around.

I had basmati rice for dinner and thought about going to the gym. I checked my email and Facebook and thought about going to the gym. I turned on the TV and thought about going to the gym. I made microwave popcorn and thought about going to the gym. I watched 'The Biggest Loser' and thought about going to the gym. Then I realized it was 10:30 and thought about going to bed.

I was feeling so down, and I really had no good reason to be that way. Work was fine, I didn't hear any bad news, it wasn't a bad day. So why was I feeling so miserable? I don't know. I think part of it has to do with the change in weather, more specifically the daylight. Now it's mostly dark when I get up in the mornings so it's really hard to drag myself out of bed. I'm not sleeping very well for some reason. Sometimes I have trouble going to sleep, but the bigger problem is that I don't stay asleep through the night. I wake up constantly and I'm not sure why that is.

My mood still isn't quite back to normal today either but it's considerably better than yesterday. I ate crap food for lunch and it did not set well with me at all, my tummy is rebelling. Note to self ~ no more sesame chicken and fried rice from Carrs.

Not. Pretty.

I'm learning that losing weight is much more mentally challenging than I ever thought it could be. And if I'm honest with myself, I haven't been giving this process 100%. More like...60%? That's probably generous. My heart hasn't truly been in it and I've been doing things I know I shouldn't. Why am I sabotaging myself?! Don't I have a right to live a healthy, active life?? How am I going to reach my goal of 130 pounds if I continue to eat like shit?

It's simple. I won't.

My attitude has to change. I have to make a serious effort to change how I think about food. More importantly, I have to change how I feel about myself. One of the reasons I decided to become healthier was because I saw how hard it was on Mom when she was diagnosed with cancer. I saw how her body failed her, and I thought if she had been in better shape to begin with it might have helped. It wouldn't have changed the outcome, but I thought maybe it would have made things a tiny bit easier, at least in the beginning.

That's not the way to go about this. Because I've all but convinced myself that one day I will be diagnosed with some sort of cancer. I thought that getting into better shape would help me fight the disease and have a better chance than my Mom and Dad did. That I would have a greater chance at beating cancer.

Well that's just absolute bullshit.

If the only reason I have for getting healthy is to fight cancer, I will never get there. Who wants to become healthy to fight a disease that you may or may not end up with?! And what kind of way is that to live?

It's not living, it's waiting to die.

I need to do some serious thinking about my choices. What do I want to gain from going to the gym and making better food choices? What do I have to gain from doing nothing?

What do I want out of my life?

I ate much better today, though dinner could have used some improvement. I logged all my food into the gym's website and was under my calorie allowance for the day. It amazes me how much more food you can eat when it's healthy. You can eat a ton of lettuce compared to a cup or two of something else. Okay, not a ton, but you get the idea.

After work I went to the gym and had my session with my trainer, who I will hereby refer to as Sgt. Fitness. We worked on my arms and upper body today, I'll be feeling it tomorrow but it shouldn't be too bad. I love that after our workouts I can feel that we did them, but I'm not so sore I can barely move, which is what happened at the YMCA. I expect to be sore, I'm horribly out of shape, but I'd like to be able to get out of bed without whimpering.

I like the machines we used, they use cables. No idea what they're called, but I like them. I feel kind of dorky when I'm doing these exercises sometimes. I guess I'm just moving my body in ways I've never moved it before and it feels awkward. It's not a bad thing, and Sgt. Fitness tells me if I'm doing something wrong so I don't worry about that.

This gym stuff is slowly bringing about a different mind set. I'm thinking more about what my body can do (and what it can't), and I'm more aware of how I'm feeling physically. To be honest it's odd to be thinking about myself so much. I'm giving some thought to upping my training sessions from 8 per month to 12 per month. I asked the manager about the price. I should have asked my trainer what he thinks, I suppose. I can't imagine he'd think it's a bad idea. Now it's a question of whether or not I can afford it. I think if I get rid of the storage unit I could manage it, and my health is much more important than stuff. You know, spending the money on this gym stuff was a really hard sell for me at first. I'm paying a monthly membership fee for the gym in general, another for the food website, and then a chunk for the training. It's not cheap. Then I got to thinking about the number of times I've spent a fortune on lotion or candles and didn't think twice about it.

Why is it so easy to spend money on things I don't need but so hard to spend money on my health?! This way of thinking is what's gotten me where I am. Well, that and my love of Dr. Pepper and meat lover's pizza.

Today's Stats:
Treadmill Miles ~ 1.06
Time ~ 27 minutes
Incline ~ 8

I've eaten like crap all weekend. Friday night I had pizza and a Pepsi, along with caramel popcorn. I haven't eaten breakfast at all. I had garlic chicken stuff yesterday and today, along with buttered popcorn. I feel like shit.

It's so crazy what an emotional eater I am. I eat to fill the void of lonliness. I know this, and yet I do it anyway. I can be rather disgusted with myself as I'm shoveling away caramel corn, yet I continue to eat it. The only good thing I've done all weekend is drink a lot of water. Oh wait, and last night instead of eating ice cream I had a peach. Why do I sabotage myself? That's what it amounts to. I want to be healthier, I want to lose weight, I want I want I want, but apparently I don't feel like doing the work that goes along with achieving any of this. Then I feel guilty, like I do now, and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I continue to do this to myself. Nobody is forcing me to eat like shit, I do it all on my own.I'm so frustrated with myself.

I'm getting over a cold so I haven't been to the gym since Tuesday, which seems to make it easier to let myself eat horribly. When I work out I tend to eat better. I haven't logged any of the food I've eaten since Friday morning into the gym's website. I don't want my trainer to see it. I don't want to have to explain why I've eaten so much junk, and I know he'd ask. (Who am I kidding, he'll ask anyway) And what would my reasoning be? Oh well, you know, I was feeling lonely and so I stuffed myself with pizza so I could try to feel better. It didn't work.That's what makes this process hard for me to understand. If eating junk actually made me feel good in any way, shape or form, I could almost justify it. I could find a way to make it okay in my warped little brain. But it doesn't. I feel bad when I start poking through the kitchen or pantry, I feel bad while I'm eating whatever I find, and I feel bad when I'm done. So what exactly is the payoff? I have no idea. So why do I do it?!

Being overweight has become a buffer between me and the world. I use it as an excuse to not do things. I sometimes avoid people. I avoid posting pictures of myself so people can see how far I've let myself go. And then on the other side, I get mad at myself for being that way. For not taking advantage of trying new things or meeting new people because I'm embarrassed of my size and how out of shape I am.This has to stop. I have to stop doing this to myself. Is this what Mom and Dad would want for me? More to the point, is this what I want for myself? NO!!!!

So tomorrow I will start again. I will weigh myself when I get up. I will eat breakfast. I will log all of my food. I will work out with my trainer, then get on the treadmill for at least 30 minutes. I will eat something healthy for dinner. I will use this journal to vent if I need to.

I will do better.

After realizing how far I'd let my weight go, I was lost as to how to change it. I should mention that last spring my stepdad and I signed up for sessions with a personal trainer, but my heart wasn't truly in it. My stepdad lost a lot of weight, I lost a few pounds. I was so sore after our workouts that I was lucky if I could lift my leg to get into the shower the next morning. That's not exactly something that encouraged me to go back for more.

When the sessions ran out it was easy to find excuses not to go to the gym. Too tired, too busy, and the good old standby of 'not tonight, I have a headache'. Motivation was nowhere to be found and again, laziness ensued. I let the gym membership lapse after my stepdad moved out of state.

Then my boss talked me into trying a pilates boot camp. I was extremely hesitant. I'm not flexible. I'm overweight. I know nothing about pilates. But I let her convince me to give it a try, and I loved it. Pilates is the best stress reliever I have ever come across. I felt better, I slept better, and I was so excited that I signed up for a year of unlimited mat classes.

Since that time, about 4 months ago, I've gone to exactly 2 classes. I really can't even give a reason for that, I just haven't gone.

In July I decided that I needed to find a gym to join. One that I liked, that I would actually go to, that didn't scare the hell out of me. I'd been hearing ads on the radio for a gym I'd never been to before, so I Googled them and started reading their website. Of course they never tell you how much a membership is, so I called and scheduled an orientation appointment to find out about them. I met with the manager and she was a little intimidating, not by her attitude but by her sheer enthusiasm for the gym and what they do. She surprised me by asking lots of questions about me ~ what my goals are, why I was there, on and on it went. When I was done telling her my goals, she informed me that her goal was for me to meet my goals. That surprised me too. Since when do these people actually give a damn about their members, aside from making sure they pay the bill on time? After she showed me their different plans, I signed on the dotted line, was introduced to my new trainer, and walked out the door with a smile on my face.

By the time I got home I was in panic mode. What the hell did I get myself into?! I had just signed a one year contract for sessions with a personal trainer twice a week, as well as their food tracking website and the general gym membership. What in the world was I thinking?! I alternated between being really excited about doing something for myself for once and being sure it was all a huge mistake.

The first time I walked through that door for a session with the trainer I was terrified and trying desperately not to show it. I failed. The receptionist (who shocked me by knowing my name), assured me the trainer wouldn't bite and told me to have fun. Right, I thought, that'll happen when pigs fly.

A few minutes later the trainer came to get me and I was scared all over again. He was young, good looking, in great shape, extremely friendly, and he was about to weigh and measure me.

Oh. My. God.

I wanted to melt into a puddle on the floor, I was so embarrassed. It was bad enough that I knew what I weighed, but now this cute guy was going to know too?! Kill me now.

He asked me lots of questions, we did a couple of surveys about medical history, and he asked about my goals, expectations, and what I wanted to change. Um, everything, yep, that'll do it, thanks! He measured my body fat percentage with some little device I held up in my hands. The number made me cringe. Then came the measuring part. I was again embarrassed. That's the closest anyone besides my doctor had been to me in ages. When it was over we talked about a plan of action and made an appointment for my first real session of training. I again questioned my sanity in the matter, and I got on a treadmill for half an hour of cardio before heading home.

I remember feeling rather proud of myself as I drove home. I had survived being measured, the trainer seemed nice, and nobody made fun of me. To be more accurate, the trainer didn't make fun of me. I realized part of the reason I was so scared about it was because of what his reaction would be when he saw the numbers. I know they are bad, otherwise I wouldn't be there. But I've been to gyms where the employees are rather judgemental and rude to overweight people, and that wasn't something I needed.

My first real session with the trainer wasn't what I was expecting. We did resistance training, which I'd never done before, and the session was half an hour long. I was sweating like mad after one set of exercises, so then I was embarrassed yet again for how out of shape I had let myself become. However, I found that I liked it. The exercises we did were easy to follow, he was really patient with me, and when I was done I felt like I'd accomplished something. Even better, I had no trouble getting in the shower the next day! I could feel the workout all right, don't get me wrong, but it was nowhere near the pain I'd experienced before. I began to feel a bit more enthusiastic about the whole thing.

I started keeping track of what I was eating on their food website and was not too happy to discover how awful my eating habits were. It was a real eye opener to see just how bad some of what I was eating was for me. For example, everyone knows McDonald's food is bad for you. But I didn't realize exactly how awful it was. I just never took the time to look at a breakdown of the fat content in their food. Holy crap! How the hell is it possible for them to make potatoes so horrible for you?!

Anyway, onward we go.

I've been going to this gym for 2 months now. My trainer has been a lot of fun, though I feel foolish because I tend to ramble while we're working out. I'm sure he's heard way more about me than he cares to know. I'm learning a lot about nutrition and though I can't believe I'm saying this, I like going to the gym. The workouts I do with the trainer area always different, so I'm never bored with them, and he's had me steadily increasing the incline on the treadmill so that's not boring either.

I'm starting to get a tiny idea of what my body can do if I let it and if I try.

The Past

I'm starting this journal so I can finally be honest about my weight loss journey. I've been keeping track at my every day LJ but I find myself not telling the whole truth sometimes. I shouldn't feel the need to edit my thoughts in my own journal, really what's the point of having one if I can't be honest with myself? But, being me, I worry entirely too much about what others think and sometimes it keeps me from saying things I'd say otherwise.

Well, no more.

Here I can be free to say exactly what I think about things, and how I feel about things. I'm going to find out how it feels. Starting this healthy kick is hard enough without adding some warped sense of pressure to the mix.

My highest weight was 212 pounds. How did that happen?! It's not like the weight just hopped on my ass overnight. It's taken years for the scale to creep up as high as it has. In a way I feel shocked that it's gotten so bad, and yet I watched it happen and did nothing to stop it. It's like watching some made for TV movie about someone else's life. You know, a woman marries the seemingly perfect man only to find out after the honeymoon that he likes to beat on his wives. You see it and think, that is just so dumb. How could she have let that happen? How did she not see the signs? That will never happen to me! I would never be so stupid. Etc. etc. etc.

I'm here to tell you, it can happen to anyone.

But I'm going to start at the beginning, when weight started to become an issue for me. I'm not going to re-hash that awful period of my life, but the gist of the story is that I found myself dealing with emotional problems I'd never even imagined before. I can look at it now and admit it was a stage of depression, but I didn't know it at the time. I became withdrawn from most of my friends, I stopped going out and doing things, I was at odds with my family, and my stress level was through the roof. I was a mess. This was the first time I gained weight. I went from 125 pounds to around 150 pounds.

Then came a period where I was so busy and had such a wacky schedule that eating was the least of my concerns. I grabbed fast food, when I remembered to eat at all. Before I knew it I was back down to about 130 pounds. I was far from healthy, I cringe when I think of my eating habits at the time, but I remember how excited I was when I bought my first pair of Tommy Hilfiger pants in a size 7 and they fit perfectly.

Not long after that, my life settled down a lot. I got a steady job with normal hours, my lifestyle changed quite a bit, and I slowly began gaining weight. Not a lot, just a few pounds here and there, but enough that people started noticing. And commenting.

Let's fast forward to 2004. My stepdad was offered a job in the great state of Alaska, so he and my Mom were getting ready to move, and they asked if I wanted to come with them. I'll be honest, my first thought was 'are you kidding me? Alaska?!' Utter shock. Then I said why not? If I hate it I can always move back, right? Laziness ensued. I wasn't working when we first moved here, so I sat on my ass all day reading like there was no tomorrow, playing with my beloved Yorkie-Poo Nika, and spending the days with my Mom. The weight continued to add up. I continued to pretend it wasn't happening.

Fast forward again to fall of 2007. On October 11, 2007, my Mom was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. Ten days later my Dad landed in the hospital needing heart bypass surgery. Life as I knew it was turned completely upside down and my only focus was on my family. My Mom was in the hospital for almost a month before the diagnosis, during which time I lived on a mixture of Chinese food, Arby's roast beef sandwiches and McDonald's french fries. Not to mention Irish Creme lattes, Dr. Pepper and Diet Coke. My weight just went crazy but between phone calls to my Dad and stepmother and taking care of my Mom, I was too busy to notice or care about my health.

Mom died of lung cancer on June 15, 2008, and Dad passed away from stomach cancer on December 29, 2008.

I was an emotional wreck. I ate horribly, I couldn't sleep, I'd started having migraines. I was a mess, physically and emotionally. I finally saw a doctor and started taking fluoxetine (trade name Prozac), which helped me far more than I thought it would, which also pissed me off that I needed it. I also took amitriptyline to help me sleep, it helped immensely.

Life has changed drastically for me over the past couple of years. I've lost my parents, I no longer speak to my stepmother, my stepdad moved back to Montana, and my brother and I are still in Alaska about 2,500 miles from all of our family. This is how I got to the point of stepping on the scale one day and seeing the number 212. I couldn't believe it. I decided the scale had to be wrong, so I weighed myself every single day for a week and it only changed by maybe half a pound. I had a check in with my doctor and their scale was only 2 pounds different.

There was nothing wrong with the scale, there was something wrong with me.